he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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