i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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