Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize