Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
