Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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