Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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