this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
