I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
