I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize