yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
