Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
