the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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