Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
