If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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