Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
