I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
