In the future we'll all be gay
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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