I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
