Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
