Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
