OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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