i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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