the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
