If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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