I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
