I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
