Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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