Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
