I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Just puked most of my soul out..
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
