i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
