she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
now i know why i became what i already was.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
