I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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