I saw his package. It spoke to me.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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