anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
