Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
