I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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