i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
