do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
