i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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