Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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