forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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