why didn't you poke me back
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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