Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
