Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Your cock deserves a montage
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
