"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
