Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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