My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
