I just pynch a tree in the face
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize