having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
