Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
