I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
