New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
