i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
