I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Randomize
