Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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