At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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