My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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