We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
