Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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