dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
