if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
