I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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